We met a few days later, whilst stealing a smoke on top of the building, we got to know each other and we became kind of close. It was through her that I met AF too, we got real close the four of us.
The first time I really saw her eyes was that evening, when we all stayed back after work and goofed around in my office. Sitting around the counter we talked about how we felt about each other. We each took turns emptying out our hearts to each other. KH told me how he trusted me, he said he would give me a million dollars and leave it with me without worrying: and that was how much he trusted and knew me, which is really a paradox now that he hates me to the core, never answers my calls and refuses to meet up with me. AF told me how much she was happy in getting to know me and how much she looks forward to our smoke breaks “I have quit smoking now for more than half a year”. It was her turn, she told me how when she first met me she thought I was a stuck up guy and what not, but she looked right at me and told me how much meeting me meant to her and a few other things I can’t seem to recall.
That was the first of many times, I found myself looking into her eyes. It has been many years now since that night of honesty in PSC 5a; we have grown so far apart. We do talk and we are still friends, we seem to have this compressed unique ability to talk to each other has per normal, even with the barrier of months of conversational neglect and not seeing each other.
I told her once, that I would never fall for her and in that I would forever have her with me, acknowledging to myself the envisage that friendship was the key to enjoying each others company without burden.
It was all fine until, one day whilst I was driving to KL in Malaysia, I was listening to this guy on the radio talking how his marriage was not perfect but still beautiful because he married his best friend. I knew perhaps deep down inside my heart, I needed something more from her, something to hold, something to call mine.
I have this rule of living my life, I never feel sorry for myself. I never waste my time with things that are not mine, I never hunger for things that are not mine, and never will I ever be depressed or saddened by any one thing for more than a night. It was the result of a staggered childhood. Thus with my hardened heart, I wanted not one more day wasted to thoughts about her or in wining her heart.
I believe in this Ah Beng stereotyped attitude, “yours is yours” it will never run away even if you chase it away. I then took it on myself to concentrate more into my work and my walk with God and other stuff.
Well tonight my heart broke; I was told that she could be attached. If she is not the one I love why does it hurt this bad. I think my heart is finally facing the cold winter. I have this deepened urge to run to her to hold her face in my hands and look into her eyes, and just tell her that I love her. That even knowing she is with someone else is tearing me up inside. I feel like kissing her fore head and telling her that I would be empty without her. Why am I feeling all this, I have never felt this way before, I can just walk away from a 4 year relationship without a tear, I even slept peacefully, but here I am feeling this way for a girl, no a lady that I never knew I felt this way about. I no doubt am going to have a tough time sleeping tonight. The time is already going to be 3:00 am, oh how I wish I could just get to tell her the way I feel now. Will she ever know, will she ever find out? Maybe never, maybe she is with the one she truly loves now. Who knows, but I do know this one thing, even with so many relationships under my belt. I have never felt this much pain, knowing my friend was attached.
I feel like bringing her on a cruise again, just like the time we once went togather. I want to stand at the back of the speedbat again just like last time, with the salt spraying into our faces and the wind in our hair. I would do it the exact way it was, when we went. Just with one slight change, this time I would tell her how much I love her.
Whatever, if you’re reading this please do not feel sorry for me. I am strong, and I will survive, hey I am a man. I hope she is happy where ever she is, I guess I am just happy at having felt love for the first time in my life, an no! I do not need to justify it with the other party. My love will still stand even if she is not beside me….. Even if her hands are in someone else’s…. Life sucks.
